The day I realised I was a girl

The day I realised I was a girl
I jumped up and down my bed
Until it started to creak and I thought
Maybe I weighed too much, and such
From then onwards I try to remain still
So sounds of my existence don't get
Measured by the creak of a bed
Or the length of what (they) said

The day I realised I was a girl
I walked around town smiling at every
Face that passed me by until
This other girl smiled much nicer
And I started to question whether I
Was as happy as her
From then onwards I persist to not smile
Unless I am (safe) within my womb
And even when I grin, I secretly hate
The prettiest girl in the room

The day I realised I was a girl
I started reading books about other girls
That made me feel really smart and wise
Until an untruthful intellect (cleverly)
Suggested it was all lies
From then onwards I hid my ambition in
The back of teen whore magazines where
The mystery of life lied in the make-up
Of the eye and my wisdom was disguised

The day I realised I was a girl
I fell madly in love with a boy
Who made me feel more like a woman
Than any vintage song, until he defined
When the right thing goes wrong
From then onwards I walk in the dirt
Where the ground isn't slippery (to trip)
After a few wine sips

The day I realised I was a girl
I got drunk on too many vodka shots
And started dancing on the table
Until I noticed people don't like it when
A girl is not able, to exercise her control
From then onwards I hesitate to unfold
And always remain sober sitting on chairs
Sipping water, pretending to be on another
Diet when deep inside I'm a drunken riot

The day I realised I was a girl
I discovered that I was sensitive to
Rough touch and needed to be laid,
Bare on my back to untrack the chains
That enslaved
From then onwards I carry my chastity in
My make-up bag when I smile and nod
And never shake hands for my touch is soft
(And men always misunderstand)

The day I realised I was a girl
I stood naked in front of the mirror
For an hour, and then some
Until I noticed that tiny scar from that time
When (that thing) took place and my skin
Almost erased
From then onwards I conceal my past with
Designer clothes, as if expensive underwear
Can make go away the burden I bare

Nowadays there is not much that I can do
But to sit and wait for the day I realise
I am a woman,
Too.

By Hanna Ali

Copyright November 2005