KRED and Other Observations on University Life

First let me begin by saying that this article initially began as a large project that aimed to mock up an issue of KRED, but that was before I discovered Kunt (www.scruntybastard.co.uk/kunt) which renders any endeavour in this respect doomed to failure. For the first time, though, I knew what it felt like to have a university magazine that is actually worth reading. Something that is genuinely funny on its own terms; something that I actually make the effort to read- I can't imagine anyone in Kent has ever felt this if they've only ever had KRED.

Ah, KRED, dear KRED, bastion of all that is shite and worthless. On this website I've been fairly vocal about the my dislike for parts of the union, but I didn't mention KRED explicitly. Its not just the borderline illiteracy, the naked condescension and the insufferable smugness of the thing, its mostly just the complete waste of an opportunity. Can you imagine having the KRED facilities at your disposal? Can you imagine the union bending over backwards to fund and facilitate your efforts? and, finally, can you imagine producing something so cowed, something so utterly devoid of any kind of humour, something so seemingly scared and pathetic as KRED?

Lianna-Kate Whittaker is the current editor, but this needn't concern you. If you are a fresher then let me assure you that it has always been this bad, it was bad when it was a magazine, and now it is worse. Last year during the snowy seasons it ran a story that began "Those students actually wishing to attend university had more to contend with this week than the customary hangover". This ullage was then succeeded by some prick comparing finding suitable accommodation with "going shopping with the girlfriend" he continued "she tries on loads of stuff, before returning to, and buying, the first thing she looked at. But she still looks great". This osmically irritating kite, this "cunt" if you will, finds himself in a position to communicate with the world around him and all he does is simper like a retard and go "I've got a bird, me". Congratulations, now piss off.

What I hate most is that it takes no risks whatsoever. Its so completely in thrall to the Union's perspective that it cannot, or will not, publish anything with any violence of feeling. It does sometimes criticise the University, the current edition leads with an expose of poorly organised accommodation at the start of the year, but turn to the back page and you will see the problem: "Uni Spends £1,5 Million on 3G Pitch". Excuse me? One and a half MILLION pounds? On fucking astro-turf? Now I realise that sports have their place in university life, but the new complex was built over existing facilities which were straightforward grass. The only appreciable difference between the two surfaces is that it is easier to play in wet conditions on astro-turf. So essentially the university spent £1.5m of your money making it easier for the football teams to play in the rain. Great. Lovely. Thanks muchly you parcel of goddamn losers. This, you'll note, occurred whilst some of the accommodation in Eliot, Darwin and especially Keynes is in a quite ruinous state of disrepair and neglect. If you live in some of the dodgier areas then cast a look about, that ironing-board with an insole on top that passes for a bed, those prison-walls, that revolting, centuries old bath; cast your eyes to heaven and thank God that at least Chris "Besty" Best will no longer scuff penalties in the wet.

It's damn shoddy, but KRED doesn't even consider the possibility that the pitch is anything other than a wonder and a joy for all. Mike Capaccioli and Jack Makoszewski snag exclusive interviews with "Besty" (his verdict: "brilliant, especially in wet conditions") and with the three professional footballers who were present at the unveiling:

The guys all agreed that it was very nice to be back in Kent...how things had progressed since their junior days and the improvements of the new pitches. When asked how their time at Kent had affected their professional careers, the answer was unanimous: 'Really good'...Mr Wilkins underlined the reasons for the new sports facilities. To give the possibility to every person, every kid, an opportunity to play football and at least aim for a professional career.

Have you ever in your life read such a thing? There are, at present no more than 5,000 professional footballers in England and I'm supposed to believe that this money has been spent with a view to forging careers? Moreover, we are reassured that the Uni covered the entire cost itself and that it will turn a profit. Splendid, and so, when the profits filter back we can get liveable rooms again? Possibly, but the pitch will only last for ten years, so possibly not. I'm a big football fan and am occasionally struck by a desire to play- when said urge takes root I go to a park, of which Canterbury has an abundance, and get on with it. I don't see the new facilities as in any way facilitating anyone playing football who didn't already want to.

And this is the first problem with KRED; dissent is not even given house-room within its pages and it reads like a parish magazine as a result. Lianna-Kate was elected as editor upon a primarily sporting platform, promising each team its own monthly update, as if the intimate exploits of the rowing club are of any interest to the uni at large. KRED is great for this, blithely passing off hideous mistakes as glad tidings. The new-look Venue is "Off with a bang!" apparently after its fourth refurbishment in five years. For a more rounded appraisal of the state of the venue then look no further than Philip Reilly's article on this very site (http://www.conversationamongtheruins.co.uk/Articles/reilly-thevenue.html).

Another problem is the tone of the thing. Casually re-enforcing every easy prejudice and generalisation about what exactly Kent students are like. I'm going to drift into some personal business here, but its probably justified. I set out my social stall fairly early on in my stay here, I had exceptional good fortune to accrue a group of friends with whom I now live and we spent the larger percentage of our time in each others company listening to music, watching films and generally enjoying ourselves in simple, unobtrusive ways. For KRED, though, this is aberrant behaviour and not to be brooked. David Briaris urges us to go out and try new things, new societies- to go sky-diving for example. He sees it as some kind of minor tragedy that people don't do this kind of thing, why? You go sky-diving if you want to you smug cunt and hows about I actually do what I want? Not really a contradiction is it. I think its great that these opportunities are there, that I can go sky-diving, play on an excellent pitch, I bask in the radiance of Kent's beneficence; just don't make me out to be some sort of social malcontent if I don't use them. I swear there's a whole subculture in the university who's needs are completely subordinated to those of the rest. People who quietly go about their business -social life and work- without needing a society to facilitate either. The abiding pleasures that I will take from Kent are the friends I made and the fun I had on my own terms, and no fucking SABB can rob me of it or taint it in the slightest.

Its a convoluted process of self-justification, really. If I don't want to do any of these things then their point diminishes. Obviously societies and other opportunities should exist, but there is so much emphasis placed upon them and money given to them that it has created a bi-polar culture. A culture that separates those "willing to make the effort" (Christ I loathe that expression) from those who are not. A culture that favours the one and despises the other. This, I suppose, is my ultimate point. I reserve contempt for SABBs and for the union not because they do what they do, but because they are what they are. The idea that the golden students, the ones who "get out of life what they put in" (there's another hateful ejaculation) rise to this Elysium of the Sabbatical and then proceed to ignore anyone who doesn't come along the ride.

Addendum: I find it necessary here to respond to some libel hurled at me recently from one Jimothy. His baseless slander shocked me to my core and I find it necessary to reply to him. He, in the crudest terms, and with no thought of the implications for my family life, my social standing and the respect of my peers- suggested that I might become a politician. Dirt like that sticks, and I expect a full retraction by letter before I start solving the Rubix-cube of litigation.

By J.L. Cranfield

Copyright January 2006