The Misanthropist’s Holiday Guide
1. Never on an island.
“Why not?” the innocent little cynic might ask. “An island holds the eternal promise of being alone. And isn’t this the penultimate goal of the misanthropist (the ultimate being erasing humanity and living, full of self-hatred in a hut together with some goats and a cat)?”
Yes. And no. Because, yes, islands do promise loneliness like in Defoe’s times. But modern day islands promise being alone with hordes of tourists, who also romantically dreamt of lonely beaches, wind, palm trees and silence. Together, we spoil each other’s dreams.
The true tourist will upon this deception file a complaint to the travel company “Vistamar” and sue them for a 12.5% discount. This very discount he will spend right on the island and invest in local alcoholic specialities.
The misanthropist will just cringe and suffer silently.
So rule number one: no holidays on islands. Or just on sufficiently big ones. Like, Australia.
On the other hand, don’t go to Australia, it is full of Ozzies.
2. Do not talk to people.
This might seem a bit harsh. But on the other hand - why should you? The true misanthropist goes on vacation on his own. The other tourists are annoying, and the natives just want to rip you off. You are better off making as little contact as possible.
To facilitate this:
3. Pretend not to speak the predominant language.
So in France, don’t speak French, in Australia no English and in Spain no German.
This can be tricky when it is your mother tongue. An effort has to be made in restaurants. Strict pointing to items on the menu is the clue. Also always effective is a simple “muchas gracias” in Italy, or perhaps a nice “Ciao, one plate of spaghetti, bitte” in the south of France.
Be creative, but prevail mysterious (this goes well with 2.). Do not tell people where you are from. This leads to:
4. Lie when necessary.
“Yes, this is a contagious skin disease.”
No it is not, it is a sun burn. But hey, one simple sentence and you got the whole pool for yourself.
5. Do not feel remorse.
Yes, all this sounds a bit edgy. But always remember, tourists are vicious. They will be curious, ask questions, come to your table, corner you, be loud, indecently dressed and just generally annoying.
The law of nature applies. In the struggle for survival, the fittest win out at the expense of their rivals because they succeed in adapting themselves best to their environment.
It is eating or being eaten.
By Hannah Marie Widmann
Copyright July 2006
