Domestic Violence: Dispelling the Myths

When most people think of domestic violence, they almost certainly won’t think of a smartly-dressed, well-educated person with a good job and plenty of friends as either a perpetrator or a potential sufferer. After all, domestic violence is something that happens on council estates, and is perpetrated by skinheads with a substance abuse problem against unintelligent women who don’t have the common sense to just walk out of the door. Surely that’s the case?

Actually, no. That image should be flushed down the toilet alongside such other misguided and potentially dangerous ideas such as the notion that a woman won’t get pregnant if she has a bath straight after sex and that everybody’s hair looks good with a fringe. The problem is that if we are to discard these images of who the domestic abuser and the sufferer of violence are and what they look like, we have to entirely reassess our views about the nature of violence in the home. What we end up being left with is the disturbing idea that there is no way to tell who is an abuser, or a sufferer.

The real point is that anybody can be affected, regardless of factors such as ‘class’, age – or even gender. Although statistics currently show that domestic abuse within a relationship is usually violence by men against women, women can abuse, too, and there can also be abuse in homosexual relationships. Perpetrators and sufferers of domestic violence come from all walks of life. Also, the abuse isn’t necessarily just physical beatings. Abusers can use many ways of intimidating their victims – financial abuse, emotional abuse, or even sexual abuse. Domestic violence is about control, and there are many ways of controlling people and eroding their self-confidence.

None of this changes, though, the age-old myth that the sufferer of domestic violence can just leave. Most people have at least briefly thought it when faced with a report about a case involving domestic violence in a newspaper. For some it just seems like common-sense. They wrinkle their noses with distaste not just for the abuser, but for the victim, who must be entirely bereft of any intelligence to have not just walked out to begin with. What these attitudes betray, though, is ignorance; a lack of understanding of the complex nature of domestic violence.

I’ll give you an example. Suppose, on your wedding night, you had a minor dispute with your new partner-for-life, and they slapped your face. After the shock on both sides, and the tears, it’s easy to get past the anger, put it down to the stress of the occasion, and accept the promises that it won’t ever happen again. Perhaps, some time later, your partner has been under stress at work, and ends up hitting you again – only this time it’s not a slap, it’s a punch. Again, there are tears and promises and excuses. It’s all to easy to slide into a cycle of abuse so that before you are fully aware of what is going on, the violence has become much worse, is far more frequent, and you feel simply trapped. This just happens to be a true story. It is also one that often recurs, with slightly different facts. It’s certainly not the only way that a cycle of domestic violence can start, but it demonstrates that things aren’t as black and white as they may seem.

The abuser gradually erodes his victim’s self-confidence. They are left feeling worthless and trapped. They spend every day in fear. In that state of mind, leaving doesn’t seem as easy as it does to the casual social commentator. The abuser is controlling, and the victim often doesn’t feel that they have any real support network left. There are many things that keep sufferers of domestic violence in an abusive relationship. They stay for the children – they might not be able to take them away. They may not be able to leave for financial reasons, or because they have nowhere safe to run to, or may feel that they must stay because of their culture or religion. The abuser may have threatened them with further violence if they leave. Statistics show that where people have been in abusive relationships they are more likely to be killed once they have left. Leaving doesn’t necessarily end the risk of violence. In leaving the abuser’s circle of control, they have questioned the abuser’s authority – who is then keen to reassert that authority.

Although I have been careful to remain mostly gender-neutral up until now, it is the case that women are far more likely to suffer violence at the hands of male partners. Which doesn’t mean that women are inherently weak or that men are inherently abusive. What it does mean, though, is that there are deeply held and dangerous attitudes about gender relations and what is appropriate behaviour by men and women. In order to tackle domestic violence, it’s not enough to punish the offenders (and the current law isn’t terribly effective at that in any event). We need to get to the root of the causes of domestic violence and tackle these issues. We can’t confront the problem of domestic violence on a case-by-case basis in the courts. There needs to be awareness, sources of help, preventative measures, education and more. Dispelling the myths is a necessary start.

Sources and Further Info:
Family Law, Gender and the State – Diduck and Kaganas
http://www.refuge.org.uk/ - Refuge is a charity which focusses on domestic violence.
http://www.lcdv.co.uk/ - London Centre for Domestic Violence
http://www.bbc.co.uk/relationships/domestic_violence/index.shtml - BBC’s domestic violence webpage
http://www.womensaid.org.uk/ - Women’s Aid, another charity for domestic violence

By Jenny Williamson

Copyright April 2006